HuckFinn

To the Editor:

Your Nov. 18 front page read like satire: "Clarkston officials vote to eliminate EMS" beside "Final price tag: $19.7M for new jail." I assume this juxtaposition was an act of editorial commentary so elegant that no words were needed. In case it was accidental, however, I offer the following suggested correction:

ASOTIN COUNTY, WA — In a county of 25,000 souls with a conviction rate approaching 98%—a figure usually seen in authoritarian regimes or counties where jurors understand there is only a 2% chance they got it wrong—elected public servants have made their priorities abundantly clear: ambulances, not jails, are the real luxury item.

Ambulances, county officials note, are chaotic and expensive. They require trained medics, pharmaceuticals, rapid response times, and an implicit promise that the community values keeping people alive. A $19.7 million, 144-bed jail, by contrast, is simply "a necessity in a county blessed with such a talented, near-prescient prosecution team," reported one local official who has not yet completed law school.

A county spokesperson also observed that some of the new cells "actually exceed the standard of living provided by Section 8 housing," calling the facility "a fiscally responsible approach to the affordable housing crisis." The spokesperson declined to elaborate on whether this was intended as a selling point for incarceration or an indictment of housing policy, noting only that "the beds are very nice."

Following a 4-2 vote—with the mayor casting the tie-breaking vote against her own residents' cardiovascular systems—city officials insist the community is not "abandoned," merely "handled differently." Non-police emergencies will now be routed to the town's lone taxi driver during his posted hours (Tuesday, Thursday, and alternating Saturdays), while citizens experiencing off-hours strokes, cardiac events, or the sudden onset of being on fire are cordially invited to lean on essential oils, healing crystals, and a pioneering new initiative from the local library.

The Asotin County Library—which, one assumes, narrowly survived its own levy failure—now permits patrons to check out Tibetan singing bowls and alternative-medicine guides, including the newly acquired The Power of Positive Thinking During Cardiac Arrest and What to Expect When You're Not Expecting an Ambulance. Patrons are reminded that late fees will not be covered by insurance, and that overdue fines accrue even posthumously.

One local senior citizen, reached for comment while clutching her chest in a manner that may or may not have been metaphorical, confirmed: "These are exactly the common-sense priorities I was voting for in the last election." She then asked whether the taxi driver takes Medicare.

He does not.

The Fire Chief, meanwhile, has announced he will begin exploring "alternative resources" to provide emergency services—a phrase so beautifully empty it could be framed and hung in the new jail's administrative offices. Firefighters facing layoffs effective January 30 have been encouraged to "lean into the transition" and consider exciting new career opportunities in corrections, where job security is apparently more robust.

In related news, the union and city remain locked in mediation, which is bureaucratic for "arguing about whether letting people die is covered under existing labor agreements."

I trust this correction better reflects the community's values. If any readers experience chest pains while reading this letter, they are advised to remain calm, visualize healing light, and remember that the new jail has excellent medical facilities—provided they can get themselves arrested first.

To the Editor:

In response to the previous letter writer's hysterical screed, I would like to offer some perspective from someone who actually toured the new facility.

The cells are state-of-the-art. The switches are pull-away to prevent suicide. There is a full-service kitchen. The beds are, frankly, better than what I slept on in the Army. If anything, we should be asking why Section 8 housing doesn't have these amenities.

Furthermore, the 58% of voters who rejected the EMS levy spoke clearly. Unlike some people, I respect democracy. If the majority of my neighbors have decided that property taxes are more burdensome than dying, who am I to argue?

Besides, the jail will rent beds to other jurisdictions. It's an investment. Can an ambulance say that? No. An ambulance is a depreciating asset that drives around waiting for something bad to happen. A jail is a revenue-generating facility that guarantees something bad has already happened.

That's fiscal responsibility.

To the Editor:

I just want to clarify that I have NOT agreed to be the backup EMS. I run a taxi service. I drive people to the airport in Lewiston and sometimes to the Costco. I am not trained in emergency medicine. I do not carry a defibrillator. My trunk is full of luggage and a cooler.

Please stop calling me.

If you are having a medical emergency, I am legally, morally, and logistically unable to help you. I drive a 2007 Camry. It does not have sirens. I cannot run red lights. I will not run red lights.

I am also closed on Sundays for church.